Hero Of The Day

Whats the funniest joke you ever heard? And it can be anything, a comiden quote, a normal joke, anything. But I'll lay down some rules and musicman can do the rest:

1. No racists jokes!! I don't care how funny they are!!!
...........other than that i don't see a problem!!! If anything else is banned, its up to musicman.

So i'll start, its an old favorite but i have a million of these:

One day, a woman pregnant with 3 kids was cashing her check at the local 711, when all of a sudden, this guy came from behind her, and stole all her money, and because he was so evil, he shot her 3 times in the stomach, hitting each of the children in the lower abdomen, when she went to the doctor to have the bullets removed, they said if we remove the bullets, your babies will die, so she didn't and 5 months later she gave birth to 2 girls and 1 boy. well, 5 years later, one of the girls camr to her mother crying, she said Mommy, Mommy, i peed out a bullet!!! The mother calmed her down and told her what happened, well, 5 years later, the other girl came crying to her mother, saying Mommy, Mommy, I peed out a bullet!!!! She calmed her down and told her what happened, well, 5 years later, the boy came up to his mother with a nervous look on his face, and she said, let me guess, you peed out a bullet? He said no, i was jerking off and i shot the dog!!! ;lol:

Please give me your best!!!

 

MusicMan

The funniest joke I've ever heard is probably "The Aristocrats", as told by a few particular people in different ways. In fact I think they even made a movie a few years back just about that joke and all the different ways it's been told. I can't recite it here, but you should check out the movie or google it for a lot of different versions.

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missingsince1983

That's the first thing I thought of too. I was wondering how long it would be before someone would mention it. I don't think it's the funniest joke I've ever heard but I've only heard 1 or 2 versions.

I'll come back when I've thought of something.

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Hero Of The Day

Anythings ok: Quotes, Jokes, Knock knock, as long as its funny, so ill giive a few quotes from Steven Wright:



All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Aqualung

I'm going to live forever or die trying!

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Here we go. Mushu cereal for breakfast with duck sauce.

Hero Of The Day

A few Quotes from the late great Rodney Dangerfield:

A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

missingsince1983

Australian Tourist Q&A (actual questions on a tourist website)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks(Sweden)?
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. __________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

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The Coker Variations

those australian tourist Q&A are very unsurprising its amazing how stupid people can be... loved the drop bear one lol


ok i got a bunch of modern humour jokes for ya:

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why couldn't the cat drink the milk?



because it had no face
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why did jimmy fall off his bike?



because someone threw a fridge at him
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why did the girl fall off the swing?



because she had no arms
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heres the best joke i found in the whole of a lame kids joke book:

why was the cross-eyed man a bad teacher?



he couldn't control his pupils

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It comes to us all,
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methylatedghosts

You'll only get this if you know a thing or two about rugby:

What's the difference between the All Blacks and a teabag?

The teabag stays in the cup longer


*sniff*

The Coker Variations

ROFL

there there methylatedghosts, it'l be alright
heres some redemption


Traveling in a train were a Wallaby, an All Black, a spectacular looking blonde and an older lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Wallaby had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) The blonde thought - "That horrible Wallaby wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

(2) The older lady thought - "This dirty Wallaby laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

(3) The Wallaby thought - "That bloody All Black put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

(4) The All Black thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid Wallaby again."

__________________
It comes to us all,
It's as soft as your pillow

hardkiss

Never fuck a policewomen,she always say "stop hands up"
never fuck a nurse,she always say"next please"
always fuck a pharmacist she always say three times dialy
(Iam a Pharmacist)


What did snow-white complain about after having sex with 7 dwarfs?
snow-white said "what i really wanted was 7 inches at one time not 1inches in seven times.

Neverlife

"If your laughing you didnt get it"

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hardkiss

I got it ...

hardkiss

Policeman :Lady iam arresting u for prostitution
lady:iam not selling sex iam selling condoms with a free demonstration

hardkiss

Bruce and Jenny...

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but
they just know that they
are in love. One day they decide that they want to
get married, so Bruce
goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks
up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in
love and I want to ask
you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr.
Smith replies, "Well
Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies "In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit
there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says
with a huge grin, "Okay
then how will you live? You're not old enough to get
a job. You'll need to
support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance..
Jenny makes 5 bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a
month and that should do
us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that
Bruce has put so much
thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to
come up with something
that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second,
Mr. Smith says, "Well
Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all
figured out. I just have
one more question for you. What will you do if the
two of you should have
little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well,
we've been lucky so far..."

Mr. Smith doesn't think the little shit is adorable
anymore

Bluezzit

hahahahah

3mag5num7

Hahaha that's great!

RickenbackerBassPlayer

Nice!

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Mycheaprecords

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Norther

Two guys are walking into a bar.
The third one ducks!

This ones fine

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Live the day!

MusicMan

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spendin' the rest of me life, between the legs of me darlin' wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?' John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, tha' tis very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

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The Music Showcase is the best place to share your music here, you can even embed Youtube videos.

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tho_den3010

) How funny you are, guys!

Nihilus

Well, I think I have found the most awesome joke ever. Check this out:

A guy goes to the doctor and tells him he wants to lose 10 pounds. So the doctor locks him in a room. The guy looks around and sees a hot and naked brunette chick holding a sign - "If you catch me you get to fuck me." Obviously, the guy loses 10 pounds... A while later he goes back to the doctor and says he wants to lose 15 pounds. So the doctor puts him in the room again. As the guy looks around, he notices a hot and naked blonde chick holding a sign - "If you catch me you get to fuck me." The guys loses 15 pounds... He goes to the doctor again, this time telling him he wants to lose 30 pounds (!). The doctor does his job and puts him in the room again. As the guy looks around, he notices a big fat man holding a sign - "I catch you, I fuck you."

RickenbackerBassPlayer

MusicMan's was great. I didn't even chuckle at Nihilus's.

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David12

Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”
“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”