Roughdrafts..?

Intricate Insomnia · 12-30-2009, 11:56 AM

Hello all,
This is where I'll be posting more 'poems' that are rough drafts, and works in progress. Eventually, finished pieces as well. Enjoy? Criticism is always welcome, no matter how cruel. Trust me, I want it.

To start it off? How about a 'Love' themed piece:
If my feelings were a word,
it does not exist here.
If my heart had a beat,
it wouldn't be too clear.

If my breath suddenly stops,
it isn't something bad.
Because emotions I have for you,
are the best I've ever had.

I can't help that I swoon,
or clutch you close to me.
Here is where I want to stay,
beside you endlessly.

If your touch carried a name,
I wouldn't know how to say...
I couldn't give a word for how
you make me feel this way.

I'm trying to write this poem,
I'm weaving words in drama.
I can't think, I can't rhyme now..
With such a word like 'drama.'

I cannot write this poem,
so now I'll tear it up.
I can't tell you in human words,
how you've lifted me up....(goes on into parts I took out)

...I do not, can not love you,
for it is of this world.
And my feeling reaches deeper than that,
my feeling is something more...

Hmmm... These popped into my head a long while ago, I've been taking apart pieces and verses for a while, just having fun, really. Comments?

Intricate Insomnia · 12-30-2009, 12:07 PM

Tick Tick
Tick Tock, screams the wretched clock.
Tick Tock, it'll say, it'll mock..
Tick Tock is what I need,
'Cause when it stops, I have to leave.
Tick Tock, the clock slows down,
As shards of glass hit the ground.
Tick Tock, do you hear me plead?
Grandfather Clock, you see me bleed.
Tick Tock, stop my hourglass...
Mighty Man, let my life last.
Tick Tock, the winter fades.
Tick Tock, springs is saved.
Tick Tock... Tick Tock...
...
Tick Tock...
...I have fallen.
Tick Tock...

I particularly enjoy this one, it's far darker, though.^ ^ Rather easy to work with, I could almost just edit it a little, look for a nice chores to sew it together, and voi-la.

MusicMan · 12-30-2009, 06:08 PM

Not bad, it's nice to see you've got the intestinal fortitude to put rough draft poetry online for us to read. I like the longing and desperation in the tone, and think both of these would work well as spoken word performances, but I'm not creative enough to see how they would work well in a song delivered to an audience, without needing a little reworking. "Winter faids" should be "Winter fades", but that's the only typo that I'm seeing. Overall, they're both pretty good, but could use a little work if you're wanting to turn them into songs. Thanks for sharing.

Intricate Insomnia · 12-30-2009, 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MusicMan

Overall, they're both pretty good, but could use a little work if you're wanting to turn them into songs. Thanks for sharing.

Ah, yes. See; I've written songs before, but I find I am never satisfied with them if I start out with a song. Of course, not all of what is there will make it to said song, but a good portion, and than Intros, bridges, chores', and all of that technical fun of composition.

Plus, I saw many a thread asking for advice on songwriting, and figured; "Maybe if they see how I tend to do it, they'll try?" After all, it's so much easier to simply write the words down, with no plot, and than take it apart and rebuild it.

Thank you for your opinion.

MusicMan · 12-30-2009, 07:14 PM

Ahh ok, I see. I think it's great that you're wanting to encourage others to do the same. Jotting things down without disqualifying anything from the beginning, and then later revising the raw work, is indeed a good way to hone your writing skills. So continue as you were.

Intricate Insomnia · 12-30-2009, 07:53 PM

First try? Insomnia again last night, I stayed up 'till around... Six, maybe seven? Decided to to toy around with it a bit. Heh, replaced the innocence with corruption. Hah!

"With Love"

1st verse
The breathing stops
(Like a played-out record)
A silent plea, as the lungs give out
(Soaking up the echos)
My heart is screaming
Pleading in this drought
(The righteous Penitence ignored)
'Let's start this blood-feud.'

Bridge
It isn't something bad
(My soul can't name your sound)
Darling, your mystery intoxicates
(Pain caresses me, oh bound)

Chores
'Wrap chains 'round you
If I could
Blasphemy, how do you do?
'Hurts so good
(Don't pull it out)
This misshaped dagger
(Stain me, sore and salted)
Sweet irony, shove it deeper
And sign it out 'With Love"

2nd verse
(This verse, and onward are coming, but comp is giving me problems..)

This is just taking the first two paragraphs from the first poem, and adding to them. For some odd reason, Imagine by A Perfect Circle and Forsaken by KoRn popped into my mind after the sixth time reading over it to give myself some comments.

Yeah, I do that. Maybe bagpipes? Like, a Shoots and Ladder effect? (I have a thing for bagpipes..XD) Slow, deep voiced, but chores and third verse(You'll see) faster? The Orgy sound might work for a line or two... And yet, I get a sort or Twisted David Bowie/Marilyn Manson feel from it.

It makes me laugh, kind of. Heh, a sick humor? Sarcastic. That's a better word. But it's completely serious!

MusicMan · 12-31-2009, 01:52 AM

Oh dear, that one is quite different. It made me blush a little.

Do you have anything that you have put to music? That would be interesting to hear something you've turned into a song.

Oh and just to help you out (not to be a grammar nazi) it's "chorus" instead of "chores".

Keep up the creativity, but try to get some sleep.

Intricate Insomnia · 12-31-2009, 07:41 AM

Quote:

it's "chorus" instead of "chores".

Ah, hah! I knew my firefox grammer-thingy was wrong! Eh, but being tired, I didn't feel like arguing.

Quote:

Oh dear, that one is quite different. It made me blush a little.

Hmmm... I wonder, is that a positive responce, or negative? ^ ^

I would, except I am only gifted in writing, and I used to sing. (It's worsened without practicing, and vocal changes.) I wouldn't have any way to record such a thing but to sing it, and that would sound terrible. lol I'm a writer, and critic, and fan of music. I admit I am not so blessed with the ability to perform.

MusicMan · 12-31-2009, 01:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Intricate Insomnia

Hmmm... I wonder, is that a positive responce, or negative? ^ ^

I would, except I am only gifted in writing, and I used to sing. (It's worsened without practicing, and vocal changes.) I wouldn't have any way to record such a thing but to sing it, and that would sound terrible. lol I'm a writer, and critic, and fan of music. I admit I am not so blessed with the ability to perform.

It was positive, no worries.

It was just another side of your writing that sharply contrasted with the previous works. There's nothing wrong with not being able to sing or perform. Writing can be a very rewarding and fulfilling craft all on its own, and you seem to have a knack for it.

Intricate Insomnia · 12-31-2009, 05:32 PM

*chuckles* Well, I certainly hope so.^ ^ Thanks, doll. Your opinion helps a good amount. eh, now I just need to get my account on that site working so I can get the rest of the song... Heheh..

Stringbender · 01-27-2010, 10:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Intricate Insomnia

Hello all,
This is where I'll be posting more 'poems' that are rough drafts, and works in progress. Eventually, finished pieces as well. Enjoy? Criticism is always welcome, no matter how cruel. Trust me, I want it.

To start it off? How about a 'Love' themed piece:
If my feelings were a word,
it does not exist here.
If my heart had a beat,
it wouldn't be too clear.

If my breath suddenly stops,
it isn't something bad.
Because emotions I have for you,
are the best I've ever had.

I can't help that I swoon,
or clutch you close to me.
Here is where I want to stay,
beside you endlessly.

If your touch carried a name,
I wouldn't know how to say...
I couldn't give a word for how
you make me feel this way.

I'm trying to write this poem,
I'm weaving words in drama.
I can't think, I can't rhyme now..
With such a word like 'drama.'

I cannot write this poem,
so now I'll tear it up.
I can't tell you in human words,
how you've lifted me up....(goes on into parts I took out)

...I do not, can not love you,
for it is of this world.
And my feeling reaches deeper than that,
my feeling is something more...

Hmmm... These popped into my head a long while ago, I've been taking apart pieces and verses for a while, just having fun, really. Comments?

wow..very good lyrics! I'm thinking along the lines of acoustic guitar, maybe some piano thrown into the mix.. even have a progression going in my head..though not as clearly as I would like.. can't quite make out the chords..
I'll have to think more on this.. but very nice!

Stringbender · 01-27-2010, 10:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Intricate Insomnia

First try? Insomnia again last night, I stayed up 'till around... Six, maybe seven? Decided to to toy around with it a bit. Heh, replaced the innocence with corruption. Hah!

"With Love"

1st verse
The breathing stops
(Like a played-out record)
A silent plea, as the lungs give out
(Soaking up the echos)
My heart is screaming
Pleading in this drought
(The righteous Penitence ignored)
'Let's start this blood-feud.'

Bridge
It isn't something bad
(My soul can't name your sound)
Darling, your mystery intoxicates
(Pain caresses me, oh bound)

Chores
'Wrap chains 'round you
If I could
Blasphemy, how do you do?
'Hurts so good
(Don't pull it out)
This misshaped dagger
(Stain me, sore and salted)
Sweet irony, shove it deeper
And sign it out 'With Love"

2nd verse
(This verse, and onward are coming, but comp is giving me problems..)

This is just taking the first two paragraphs from the first poem, and adding to them. For some odd reason, Imagine by A Perfect Circle and Forsaken by KoRn popped into my mind after the sixth time reading over it to give myself some comments.

Yeah, I do that. Maybe bagpipes? Like, a Shoots and Ladder effect? (I have a thing for bagpipes..XD) Slow, deep voiced, but chores and third verse(You'll see) faster? The Orgy sound might work for a line or two... And yet, I get a sort or Twisted David Bowie/Marilyn Manson feel from it.

It makes me laugh, kind of. Heh, a sick humor? Sarcastic. That's a better word. But it's completely serious!

excellent.. definitely thinking this one needs the amps cranked with massive distortion on the guitars... heavy-pounding syncopated power chords ..but the timing has to be perfect because I'm thinking heavy with guiatr..then light with vocals..then heavy with guitar again.. I've done a bit with this approach before but never tried to explain it (so forgive me)..
needs abit of echo..and maybe a breathy.type of slight reverse/backwards type of sound on the vocals. I'll see what I can think up for sounds..

Intricate Insomnia · 01-28-2010, 02:05 AM

I cannot decide if I want the lyrics in the brackets to be fast paced, or a slow haunt..?

^ ^ Thank you for your input. Both of you.^ ^

I also think I shall definitely keep my Manson/Bowie thoughts for it..

Stringbender · 01-28-2010, 04:16 PM

"the Righteous Penitence Ignored".. I don't know why, but it sounds like I have heard that line somewhere before..

Bible? one of the Vedas? Wicca? templars? Aleister Crowley? Black Sabbath? William Blake, Milton, Indiana Jones.. I cannot recall.. but I KNOW I have heard that line -or very similar somewhere..

Intricate Insomnia · 01-31-2010, 07:04 PM

Hmmmm.... Maybe... *goes off to google it*

Nada. Unless google isn't correct.

Stringbender · 02-01-2010, 09:04 PM

Well, I read so MANY different things from so many different angles and places..plus all the movies and music and such.. it certainly seems like something familiar,but one of those "obscure references that only a few people would ever understand"..
or maybe it was in my mind and we just think a lot along the same lines? (chuckle)
dunno..

Intricate Insomnia · 02-03-2010, 05:35 AM

lmao, I'd take that as a compliment, seeing as how I am only a fraction of your age, and you are very wise.

Hmmmm... Now that I've been thinking about it, I'm scratching the 2nd and 3ed I had... I'm gonna post up the new one's in a day or so, when I find time.

Stringbender · 02-03-2010, 10:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Intricate Insomnia

lmao, I'd take that as a compliment, seeing as how I am only a fraction of your age, and you are very wise.

Hmmmm... Now that I've been thinking about it, I'm scratching the 2nd and 3ed I had... I'm gonna post up the new one's in a day or so, when I find time.

Do take it as a compliment.. A FRACTION.. (yeeks) come on.. I'm thinking you are old enough to buy alcohol which makes the fraction AT LEAST HALF.. I know you don't mean any harm by that statement..jeez.. LOL.. really.. I'm not hurt by that statement..just like ..damn..I'm not the cryptkeeper or anything..LOL
but you consider me wise (??-wow..) thank you, I supose I am- and you ar correct that I just don't give myself enough credit..
anyhoo.. back to your lyrics.. incredible.. you are good with words!

Baphomet · 02-11-2010, 08:04 AM

Ok Starting off with the first one, I like it ok it creates imagery and has a solid point with the right melody it could be a very bittersweet feeling song. I however do not like and would personally cut out the part where you talk about writing and rhyming, like it's good up to there. It just makes it feel like you didn't know what to add so you just wrote exactly what you were doing which was having trouble rhyming drama. Sorry that's no good. The rest is great though, maybe a little cliche' but in this day and age what isn't anymore right?

The second one... Very kool. I don't think I could put it to music and think it should just be a poem. Unless maybe you put chaotic sounds on a track of storms and people screaming and cars and trains and bullets and well you know chaotic sounds and put a kool voice on top of these sounds and have it merely reciting the words spoken word style giving a kool doomsday prophecy type feeling. But other than that I cant see singing tick tock over and over...

The third one... Ok this is a rather morbid porno if you asked me. It's not written badly just really sick sexually... Makes sex seem either evil or dirty or even cruel... I think it's well written and paints the picture. With a heavier sounds this could be a kool hard rock tune, maybe Reznor or Manson-esque... I just envision a driving steady mid tempo beat with some grind and some softer singing to start building into almost a scream... Yeah it could work. Still kind of sick but it could work.

Yeah overall I like your writing it has alot of potential and could really blossom into something kool as long as you stick with it. And start singing!!! Just practice every day, sing along with the radio if ya have to but do it all the time and you will get better and good enough to try and play with someone!!! But nothing will happen if you don't try and seeing as you have the writing ability you are halfway there already.

Yeah post in my Singing Songwrinting section and yer gonna get the best from me!! I know how much it sux being a singer around a bunch of musicians, sometimes you feel very 5th wheel even when you are helping write the songs and arrange them...

Stringbender · 02-17-2010, 10:49 PM

OK.. maybe I said something a bit wrong somewhere.. to which I wish to completely apologize because you seem to have vanished- so my apologies.

Baphomet · 02-18-2010, 12:30 AM

No kidding come back all my fellow song writers have vanished!!!

Intricate Insomnia · 04-04-2010, 03:51 AM

Oh, no, no nonononononono. No one scared me away. Hah. Thank you both for your comments, I think I will re-write bits and pieces now. :3 I'm going to go for a more... phycological aproach, than physical.

Stringbender: Yeah, wise.^ ^ And no, I'm not old enough to buy alcohol. (Which is why I vanished... School got tiresome.)

Blaphomet: Wow! That's quite a post. ^ ^ Ah... Heh... Yeah. The poetry of a 13yr old tends to turn out like that at first. It was a LONG while ago, that I wrote that. I'm not in middle school anymore. ^ ^ And I see where you're coming from on the rest, too. Thanks a lot. <3

Stringbender · 04-05-2010, 10:35 PM

Hey! welcome back! wow.. nice to see you! OK..so I guess I was a bit off about your age because you are far wiser than most - ok.. maybe I should just shut up before I say the wrong stuff. anyhow- I was trying to say a compliment but alas I might not be approaching it the right way. so..I man to compliment you..highly and definitely welcome back!

Intricate Insomnia · 04-06-2010, 04:21 AM

lol You flatter, mein freund. ^ ^ I feel special. haha. Thank you. It's good to be back.

Stringbender · 04-06-2010, 10:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Intricate Insomnia

lol You flatter, mein freund. ^ ^ I feel special. haha. Thank you. It's good to be back.

Well, good- you SHOULD feel special! You ARE special..and no..not "special needs" type of special..LOL.

12-30-2009, 11:56 AM	#1
Intricate Insomnia The Whimsical Mistress of Thought Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: An interesting question, to be sure.. Posts: 54 Thanks: 2 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts Rep Power: 10	Hello all, This is where I'll be posting more 'poems' that are rough drafts, and works in progress. Eventually, finished pieces as well. Enjoy? Criticism is always welcome, no matter how cruel. Trust me, I want it. To start it off? How about a 'Love' themed piece: If my feelings were a word, it does not exist here. If my heart had a beat, it wouldn't be too clear. If my breath suddenly stops, it isn't something bad. Because emotions I have for you, are the best I've ever had. I can't help that I swoon, or clutch you close to me. Here is where I want to stay, beside you endlessly. If your touch carried a name, I wouldn't know how to say... I couldn't give a word for how you make me feel this way. I'm trying to write this poem, I'm weaving words in drama. I can't think, I can't rhyme now.. With such a word like 'drama.' I cannot write this poem, so now I'll tear it up. I can't tell you in human words, how you've lifted me up....(goes on into parts I took out) ...I do not, can not love you, for it is of this world. And my feeling reaches deeper than that, my feeling is something more... Hmmm... These popped into my head a long while ago, I've been taking apart pieces and verses for a while, just having fun, really. Comments? __________________ "He who wishes to be obeyed must know how to command." -The Prince Last edited by Intricate Insomnia : 12-30-2009 at 12:16 PM. Reason: Misspelling

12-30-2009, 12:07 PM	#2
Intricate Insomnia The Whimsical Mistress of Thought Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: An interesting question, to be sure.. Posts: 54 Thanks: 2 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts Rep Power: 10	Tick Tick Tick Tock, screams the wretched clock. Tick Tock, it'll say, it'll mock.. Tick Tock is what I need, 'Cause when it stops, I have to leave. Tick Tock, the clock slows down, As shards of glass hit the ground. Tick Tock, do you hear me plead? Grandfather Clock, you see me bleed. Tick Tock, stop my hourglass... Mighty Man, let my life last. Tick Tock, the winter fades. Tick Tock, springs is saved. Tick Tock... Tick Tock... ... Tick Tock... ...I have fallen. Tick Tock... I particularly enjoy this one, it's far darker, though.^ ^ Rather easy to work with, I could almost just edit it a little, look for a nice chores to sew it together, and voi-la. __________________ "He who wishes to be obeyed must know how to command." -The Prince Last edited by Intricate Insomnia : 12-30-2009 at 08:07 PM. Reason: Misspelling

12-30-2009, 06:08 PM	#3
MusicMan "It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong." - Voltaire Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Inside your head Posts: 7,662 Thanks: 570 Thanked 482 Times in 423 Posts Rep Power: 500	Not bad, it's nice to see you've got the intestinal fortitude to put rough draft poetry online for us to read. I like the longing and desperation in the tone, and think both of these would work well as spoken word performances, but I'm not creative enough to see how they would work well in a song delivered to an audience, without needing a little reworking. "Winter faids" should be "Winter fades", but that's the only typo that I'm seeing. Overall, they're both pretty good, but could use a little work if you're wanting to turn them into songs. Thanks for sharing. __________________ Rules! A definite must-read The Music Showcase is the best place to share your music here, you can even embed Youtube videos. Send me a PM if you need any help with anything.

12-30-2009, 07:14 PM	#5
MusicMan "It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong." - Voltaire Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Inside your head Posts: 7,662 Thanks: 570 Thanked 482 Times in 423 Posts Rep Power: 500	Ahh ok, I see. I think it's great that you're wanting to encourage others to do the same. Jotting things down without disqualifying anything from the beginning, and then later revising the raw work, is indeed a good way to hone your writing skills. So continue as you were. __________________ Rules! A definite must-read The Music Showcase is the best place to share your music here, you can even embed Youtube videos. Send me a PM if you need any help with anything.

12-30-2009, 07:53 PM	#6
Intricate Insomnia The Whimsical Mistress of Thought Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: An interesting question, to be sure.. Posts: 54 Thanks: 2 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts Rep Power: 10	First try? Insomnia again last night, I stayed up 'till around... Six, maybe seven? Decided to to toy around with it a bit. Heh, replaced the innocence with corruption. Hah! "With Love" 1st verse The breathing stops (Like a played-out record) A silent plea, as the lungs give out (Soaking up the echos) My heart is screaming Pleading in this drought (The righteous Penitence ignored) 'Let's start this blood-feud.' Bridge It isn't something bad (My soul can't name your sound) Darling, your mystery intoxicates (Pain caresses me, oh bound) Chores 'Wrap chains 'round you If I could Blasphemy, how do you do? 'Hurts so good (Don't pull it out) This misshaped dagger (Stain me, sore and salted) Sweet irony, shove it deeper And sign it out 'With Love" 2nd verse (This verse, and onward are coming, but comp is giving me problems..) This is just taking the first two paragraphs from the first poem, and adding to them. For some odd reason, Imagine by A Perfect Circle and Forsaken by KoRn popped into my mind after the sixth time reading over it to give myself some comments. Yeah, I do that. Maybe bagpipes? Like, a Shoots and Ladder effect? (I have a thing for bagpipes..XD) Slow, deep voiced, but chores and third verse(You'll see) faster? The Orgy sound might work for a line or two... And yet, I get a sort or Twisted David Bowie/Marilyn Manson feel from it. It makes me laugh, kind of. Heh, a sick humor? Sarcastic. That's a better word. But it's completely serious! __________________ "He who wishes to be obeyed must know how to command." -The Prince

12-31-2009, 01:52 AM	#7
MusicMan "It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong." - Voltaire Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Inside your head Posts: 7,662 Thanks: 570 Thanked 482 Times in 423 Posts Rep Power: 500	Oh dear, that one is quite different. It made me blush a little. Do you have anything that you have put to music? That would be interesting to hear something you've turned into a song. Oh and just to help you out (not to be a grammar nazi) it's "chorus" instead of "chores". Keep up the creativity, but try to get some sleep. __________________ Rules! A definite must-read The Music Showcase is the best place to share your music here, you can even embed Youtube videos. Send me a PM if you need any help with anything.

12-31-2009, 05:32 PM	#10
Intricate Insomnia The Whimsical Mistress of Thought Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: An interesting question, to be sure.. Posts: 54 Thanks: 2 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts Rep Power: 10	chuckles Well, I certainly hope so.^ ^ Thanks, doll. Your opinion helps a good amount. eh, now I just need to get my account on that site working so I can get the rest of the song... Heheh.. __________________ "He who wishes to be obeyed must know how to command." -The Prince

01-28-2010, 02:05 AM	#13
Intricate Insomnia The Whimsical Mistress of Thought Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: An interesting question, to be sure.. Posts: 54 Thanks: 2 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts Rep Power: 10	I cannot decide if I want the lyrics in the brackets to be fast paced, or a slow haunt..? ^ ^ Thank you for your input. Both of you.^ ^ I also think I shall definitely keep my Manson/Bowie thoughts for it.. __________________ "He who wishes to be obeyed must know how to command." -The Prince

01-28-2010, 04:16 PM	#14
Stringbender Guitar Adept Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: whispered in dark corners Posts: 1,776 Thanks: 289 Thanked 218 Times in 188 Posts Rep Power: 146	"the Righteous Penitence Ignored".. I don't know why, but it sounds like I have heard that line somewhere before.. Bible? one of the Vedas? Wicca? templars? Aleister Crowley? Black Sabbath? William Blake, Milton, Indiana Jones.. I cannot recall.. but I KNOW I have heard that line -or very similar somewhere.. __________________ Only with the eyes closed can one begin to truly see. Last edited by Stringbender : 01-29-2010 at 10:43 PM.

01-31-2010, 07:04 PM	#15
Intricate Insomnia The Whimsical Mistress of Thought Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: An interesting question, to be sure.. Posts: 54 Thanks: 2 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts Rep Power: 10	Hmmmm.... Maybe... goes off to google it Nada. Unless google isn't correct. __________________ "He who wishes to be obeyed must know how to command." -The Prince

02-01-2010, 09:04 PM	#16
Stringbender Guitar Adept Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: whispered in dark corners Posts: 1,776 Thanks: 289 Thanked 218 Times in 188 Posts Rep Power: 146	Well, I read so MANY different things from so many different angles and places..plus all the movies and music and such.. it certainly seems like something familiar,but one of those "obscure references that only a few people would ever understand".. or maybe it was in my mind and we just think a lot along the same lines? (chuckle) dunno.. __________________ Only with the eyes closed can one begin to truly see.

02-03-2010, 05:35 AM	#17
Intricate Insomnia The Whimsical Mistress of Thought Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: An interesting question, to be sure.. Posts: 54 Thanks: 2 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts Rep Power: 10	lmao, I'd take that as a compliment, seeing as how I am only a fraction of your age, and you are very wise. Hmmmm... Now that I've been thinking about it, I'm scratching the 2nd and 3ed I had... I'm gonna post up the new one's in a day or so, when I find time. __________________ "He who wishes to be obeyed must know how to command." -The Prince

02-11-2010, 08:04 AM	#19
Baphomet Jerky guy who thinks he's a rocker... Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 1,294 Thanks: 80 Thanked 61 Times in 55 Posts Rep Power: 64	Ok Starting off with the first one, I like it ok it creates imagery and has a solid point with the right melody it could be a very bittersweet feeling song. I however do not like and would personally cut out the part where you talk about writing and rhyming, like it's good up to there. It just makes it feel like you didn't know what to add so you just wrote exactly what you were doing which was having trouble rhyming drama. Sorry that's no good. The rest is great though, maybe a little cliche' but in this day and age what isn't anymore right? The second one... Very kool. I don't think I could put it to music and think it should just be a poem. Unless maybe you put chaotic sounds on a track of storms and people screaming and cars and trains and bullets and well you know chaotic sounds and put a kool voice on top of these sounds and have it merely reciting the words spoken word style giving a kool doomsday prophecy type feeling. But other than that I cant see singing tick tock over and over... The third one... Ok this is a rather morbid porno if you asked me. It's not written badly just really sick sexually... Makes sex seem either evil or dirty or even cruel... I think it's well written and paints the picture. With a heavier sounds this could be a kool hard rock tune, maybe Reznor or Manson-esque... I just envision a driving steady mid tempo beat with some grind and some softer singing to start building into almost a scream... Yeah it could work. Still kind of sick but it could work. Yeah overall I like your writing it has alot of potential and could really blossom into something kool as long as you stick with it. And start singing!!! Just practice every day, sing along with the radio if ya have to but do it all the time and you will get better and good enough to try and play with someone!!! But nothing will happen if you don't try and seeing as you have the writing ability you are halfway there already. Yeah post in my Singing Songwrinting section and yer gonna get the best from me!! I know how much it sux being a singer around a bunch of musicians, sometimes you feel very 5th wheel even when you are helping write the songs and arrange them... __________________ We walk without eyes, chained to these. We stand pseudo life, slaves to machines. http://www.myspace.com/prosedescry <--My new band!!

02-17-2010, 10:49 PM	#20
Stringbender Guitar Adept Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: whispered in dark corners Posts: 1,776 Thanks: 289 Thanked 218 Times in 188 Posts Rep Power: 146	OK.. maybe I said something a bit wrong somewhere.. to which I wish to completely apologize because you seem to have vanished- so my apologies. __________________ Only with the eyes closed can one begin to truly see.

02-18-2010, 12:30 AM	#21
Baphomet Jerky guy who thinks he's a rocker... Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 1,294 Thanks: 80 Thanked 61 Times in 55 Posts Rep Power: 64	No kidding come back all my fellow song writers have vanished!!! __________________ We walk without eyes, chained to these. We stand pseudo life, slaves to machines. http://www.myspace.com/prosedescry <--My new band!!

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04-04-2010, 03:51 AM	#22
Intricate Insomnia The Whimsical Mistress of Thought Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: An interesting question, to be sure.. Posts: 54 Thanks: 2 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts Rep Power: 10	Oh, no, no nonononononono. No one scared me away. Hah. Thank you both for your comments, I think I will re-write bits and pieces now. :3 I'm going to go for a more... phycological aproach, than physical. Stringbender: Yeah, wise.^ ^ And no, I'm not old enough to buy alcohol. (Which is why I vanished... School got tiresome.) Blaphomet: Wow! That's quite a post. ^ ^ Ah... Heh... Yeah. The poetry of a 13yr old tends to turn out like that at first. It was a LONG while ago, that I wrote that. I'm not in middle school anymore. ^ ^ And I see where you're coming from on the rest, too. Thanks a lot. <3 __________________ "He who wishes to be obeyed must know how to command." -The Prince

04-05-2010, 10:35 PM	#23
Stringbender Guitar Adept Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: whispered in dark corners Posts: 1,776 Thanks: 289 Thanked 218 Times in 188 Posts Rep Power: 146	Hey! welcome back! wow.. nice to see you! OK..so I guess I was a bit off about your age because you are far wiser than most - ok.. maybe I should just shut up before I say the wrong stuff. anyhow- I was trying to say a compliment but alas I might not be approaching it the right way. so..I man to compliment you..highly and definitely welcome back! __________________ Only with the eyes closed can one begin to truly see.

04-06-2010, 04:21 AM	#24
Intricate Insomnia The Whimsical Mistress of Thought Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: An interesting question, to be sure.. Posts: 54 Thanks: 2 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts Rep Power: 10	lol You flatter, mein freund. ^ ^ I feel special. haha. Thank you. It's good to be back. __________________ "He who wishes to be obeyed must know how to command." -The Prince

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